Today was one of those days I didn’t feel like doing anything. I was really content just lying down and being miserable. I’ve been putting parts of my morning routine from my last post into action. I drink 1-2 cups of water as soon as I get up, I make my bed and do some stretching. A couple days this week I even got up early for 7am yoga - I know, who am I?!
But today was not a great day. I’ve been carrying lots of guilt recently. Guilt for the way I make people feel based on the things I’ve said. Guilt for not being selfless enough and doing too much self-care. Some days I feel like I have it all figured out, but this morning I felt lost all over again.
I journaled a couple pages when I woke up getting everything out onto the page. Questioning my actions and really digging past the anger I’ve been feeling. Someone once told me that anger is the most surface emotion we have. There is always something deeper to our anger; it is the emotion controlled by our ego. And I will not let my ego take control.
I know I’m capable of more than laying down in bed all day and feeling sorry for myself. I spent the majority of my teenage years depressed, anxious, alone and desperate. I know there is always a reason behind those emotions.
Thinking you're not good enough.
Being scared of feeling too much because there will be a time where it all gets taken away.
How many of us can admit that we’ve backed out of relationships or haven’t been truly open, truly vulnerable because what if they decide to leave? And take part of our hearts with them? Is it really worth it to open up if they’re just going to leave you in the end??
I remember having this exact conversation with a friend in High School when I was 16. I was crying in the front seat of his car about how scared I was to open up to someone new when he graduated. Would I have to tell someone all my secrets? Let them in on all the fucked up shit I’ve experienced? What if they don’t want that side of me? And then he asked me if I liked puppies.
We laughed, I smiled and replied, “Of course I do.”
He responded, “Have you ever thought about getting a puppy?”
“Yeah, one day when I’m old enough. Absolutely.”
“And when you get that puppy you’re going to be so happy. You’ll love it, care for it, cuddle with it all night long. But, Arielle, one day that puppy is going to grow old. And one day in the future that dog is going to die.”
That’s when I felt a knot in the pit of my stomach as I looked up at him and he continued,
“Just because one day that dog is going to leave this Earth, doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t enjoy having it in your life. Don’t stop yourself from adopting a dog, or being in a new relationship, just because it will end. The happiness you feel will make every day until then worth it.”
He may not know, but that anecdote has saved my life on many occasions.
It has given me the courage to be myself. To be open and willing to learn, to share, to teach.
I’m done being afraid of the future.
Being afraid of failure.
We are going to fail - it’s inevitable. But I’d rather fail tremendously at something I put my whole heart and soul into than not do anything just because I’m afraid.
Props to Trevor for these beautiful shots. Check out his website here.