I have always been great at planning. In High School, my day started at 5am and didn’t end until midnight. I was an active member in four choirs, took 8 AP classes, and graduated with High Honors. I planned every single minute of my life, and tore through notebooks with lists upon lists about lists. And I absolutely loved it. I loved having my days mapped out, with deadlines and meetings and classes. I needed structure.
Correction: I need structure.
I have an incredibly active mind… which works in my favor sometimes, and against me most of the time. I have big plans and wild dreams, but often I find that my most vivid dreams end at that. I can plan out the next three years of my life, with every goal and adventure that I intend on pursuing, but I find that my own selfish desire to chase after what I want is not enough to fulfill my intentions.
2017 was an incredibly reflective year. My first serious relationship ended to start off 2017, and one of the reasons it ended was because my ex felt like I didn’t live in the moment. I was always planning ahead and looking forward. Now naturally, I was incredibly defensive about this at first. You need to plan your budget if you want to move, and if you want to move you have to choose a neighborhood - but I know this is not what he meant.
I am obsessive about planning. To the point where if I wanted to get dinner by 9, and something came up and we didn’t leave until 9:15, the entire night was thrown off. I needed to plan every hour of vacation, down to where we needed to take a bathroom break.
This year I vow to take life as it is. To plan the important stuff, like how to save money, and incorporating my creativity into my busy work schedule - but to allow a night out to be just that. To allow life to intervene, and smile when I fall down because I know I will stand again.
2017 was the year of discovery. It was a year of turmoil, tragedy, loss and love. I have learned more about heartache than I ever knew there was, and have learned that mending is not as easy of a process as I once thought.
2018 is a year of growth. It is the year of beauty, determination, magic and love. I will never stop learning about heartache, and I will never stop writing lists upon lists, because lists keep me sane and if that’s insane, then I will learn to embrace it with every ounce of who I am.
This year I will put more trust in the universe, and in myself.